Saturday, June 4, 2011

Reasons to not like me


Do you wonder why add me to your dashboard?  You may not want to read me... how do you know?  Well, here is the best way for you to know.  


Dearest Whomever,
   So much of the time in a letter of introduction we feel the need of putting facts and dates.  This seems so formal if the point is to delve into “who I am”.  For as much as facts and dates help define the parameters, it doesn’t define “who I am”.
        Parameters:  Youngest of five, whacked up childhood, raised religiously, trust issues, raised to be an over achiever, ironically couldn’t get the concept of God, Angry at life, met God in a way that I now cherish Him as a personal friend and the person in whom I base my life, in love with my husband, struggle with daily life, not a fan of kids. . . at least not my own (don’t have any).  These are the facts.  
        Who I am:  my desire to over achieve leaves me handicapped in life most often.  Raised to never say no to a new adventure, I am most times unable to make a choice.  I have twelve things I desire to do in life but can’t decide which to do.  Doing one means saying no to all the rest: this cannot be done.
        Do to so many reasons I must prove assumptions about me to be wrong.  If thought loud I am like a mouse, like a sibling I parade as the opposite.  If you think me unable, I will die trying.
        I am stubborn beyond belief.  Though I will admit doing wrong it may take a long road to surrender.  I will win every will battle.  I will get my desires. . . or so I would like to think.
        Control freak puts my OCD’s lightly.  I have many an issue in my life but none so limiting as my desire for control.  From my desire to have a relationship of dependence to God, to baking cookies, this desire for control inhibits my real desires.  Though I may try to let them go, oh so often I let them in whelm me in a way that cannot be undone. . . unless I release control to the one whom already has it: God.
        I have trouble allowing people in or forgiving when they have wronged me.  God has given much grace since years past but the deep wounds of years gone long ago leave their mark deep within my being.  This often means that I get hurt by people.  I desire full honesty and openness in a friend and so often am not allowed.
        For today: I am pursuing my desire: to refine an ability to write passably well, to do something productive during this uncertain time in my life, to allow some of myself to come out on page, to enjoy life rather than wither away in the mundane.
This is me.  This is who I am, not who I want to be.  This is my struggle.  This is my pain.
Rachel

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