Saturday, September 24, 2011

Storm filled peace

Feet slowly swallowed by the sand, her arms out stretched awaiting.  Sea mist sprays as the tide rolls in.  The under toe pulls at her, guiding her in as a guest.  Willingly she follows eagerly.  The water moves all around her, waves in fury she still follows her guide.  Pulled under or over,, flipped around and round she climbs and drags herself to the eye.  nothing so beautiful, nothing so perfect, nothing so peaceful... quiet, just so quiet. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Nature but not natural

It is horrible to admit. . . or is it?  We all do and think things that make us ashamed, well, ashamed if any were to know them that is.  Some days I wonder if it is so bad if I think them when I find so many people who feel the same way or think similar thoughts.  Is it bad that I get upset when someone succeeds in an area of which I am a part?  Is it bad that I, despite the fact I like them as a person, wish them not to do well, so that I might do well?  That’s not even rational.  Who says if they do poorly that I will do well?  Yet I still have these feelings.  

It is difficult to say. . . because the same side that has these intense feelings also doesn't want them to be bad/wrong.  If only on the fact that I feel bad, guilt and ashamed at the notion of someone knowing these thoughts. . . I difficultly say yes, most definitely.  That doesn't change my nature of thinking them or my desire for them not to be wrong.

Secondly, not because of importance but because of it not being natural instinct, as someone who lives and believes that the Bible is true, I have to see it as wrong.  It is not our place to condemn; we are supposed to love difficult as it may be, for me especially.  We are not supposed to covet or be jealous of others but content with what God has given us: as much or as little as that may be.  God is in control and has put you where you are, whether you will be there forever or just for a time we are supposed to be content.  

I state it like it is so simple.  "Just be content."  It is like when you struggle with desiring control and thus tend towards stress, like I do, and people tell you to "trust God".  Yes, by all means that is the answer.  My desire for control and freaking out because I don't have it is a result of me thinking my actions/my ways are bigger or better than God's, no doubt, but to tell someone to "trust God" is like saying "get thin", it may be the answer but it doesn't really help you on the way of getting there.  

How then do we "just be content"?  I don't know.  Not in a day to day actually maintaining contentment.  For me, I struggle everyday I have to search the bible constantly having the learn the same lessons over again.  I find that looking at and memorizing bible verses helps, as cliche as it may seem, in those moments of irritation at your business not doing well, a job loss, a child's disobedience, or any number of things we can think on the verses, or even the one verse, you know and help you set your mind and attitude towards God instead of self.
Right now I have found I have an attitude problem.  Not so much an angry at the world but not looking and being thankful for my surroundings.  So a friend and I are doing Philippians 4:8.  It's a very common verse, many have it already in their minds.  I'm not the best at trying to memorize things, for whatever reason especially the Bible.  Like in Matthew 6:26-28, though often focused on anxiety it is also great for contentment.  It reminds you of how God, in how he created things, provides for nature. . . as silly as it may seem he designed nature so intricately as to provide for all needs.  What makes us think he doesn't have a handle on ours?  Because we know best. . . or I think I do most of the time.  It irritates me that I learn the same lessons over and again . . . but that leads me to another lesson: anger/contentment. . .

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ease of chaos

With the coming rain and the call of birds over head she ponders "has the beach come to me?" Let it just swallow me up, take me away in the peace of its chaos.  Take me to a world beyond.  A world where fantasy and hidden dreams prance around with ease.  Take me...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Summer Standstill

Hot even as the wind blows she sits unable,
Hot tears roll down.
Her hands rest at ten and two,
Windows down the smell of asphalt and the coming rain brush against her face.
Hands move towards the keys only to hesitate,
Coil back to her lap as if stung.
Held frozen she sits,
Body still and mind racing, unable to go home.