Feet slowly swallowed by the sand, her arms out stretched awaiting. Sea mist sprays as the tide rolls in. The under toe pulls at her, guiding her in as a guest. Willingly she follows eagerly. The water moves all around her, waves in fury she still follows her guide. Pulled under or over,, flipped around and round she climbs and drags herself to the eye. nothing so beautiful, nothing so perfect, nothing so peaceful... quiet, just so quiet.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Nature but not natural
It is horrible to admit. . . or is it? We all do and think things that make us ashamed, well, ashamed if any were to know them that is. Some days I wonder if it is so bad if I think them when I find so many people who feel the same way or think similar thoughts. Is it bad that I get upset when someone succeeds in an area of which I am a part? Is it bad that I, despite the fact I like them as a person, wish them not to do well, so that I might do well? That’s not even rational. Who says if they do poorly that I will do well? Yet I still have these feelings.
It is difficult to say. . . because the same side that has these intense feelings also doesn't want them to be bad/wrong. If only on the fact that I feel bad, guilt and ashamed at the notion of someone knowing these thoughts. . . I difficultly say yes, most definitely. That doesn't change my nature of thinking them or my desire for them not to be wrong.
Secondly, not because of importance but because of it not being natural instinct, as someone who lives and believes that the Bible is true, I have to see it as wrong. It is not our place to condemn; we are supposed to love difficult as it may be, for me especially. We are not supposed to covet or be jealous of others but content with what God has given us: as much or as little as that may be. God is in control and has put you where you are, whether you will be there forever or just for a time we are supposed to be content.
I state it like it is so simple. "Just be content." It is like when you struggle with desiring control and thus tend towards stress, like I do, and people tell you to "trust God". Yes, by all means that is the answer. My desire for control and freaking out because I don't have it is a result of me thinking my actions/my ways are bigger or better than God's, no doubt, but to tell someone to "trust God" is like saying "get thin", it may be the answer but it doesn't really help you on the way of getting there.
How then do we "just be content"? I don't know. Not in a day to day actually maintaining contentment. For me, I struggle everyday I have to search the bible constantly having the learn the same lessons over again. I find that looking at and memorizing bible verses helps, as cliche as it may seem, in those moments of irritation at your business not doing well, a job loss, a child's disobedience, or any number of things we can think on the verses, or even the one verse, you know and help you set your mind and attitude towards God instead of self.
Right now I have found I have an attitude problem. Not so much an angry at the world but not looking and being thankful for my surroundings. So a friend and I are doing Philippians 4:8. It's a very common verse, many have it already in their minds. I'm not the best at trying to memorize things, for whatever reason especially the Bible. Like in Matthew 6:26-28, though often focused on anxiety it is also great for contentment. It reminds you of how God, in how he created things, provides for nature. . . as silly as it may seem he designed nature so intricately as to provide for all needs. What makes us think he doesn't have a handle on ours? Because we know best. . . or I think I do most of the time. It irritates me that I learn the same lessons over and again . . . but that leads me to another lesson: anger/contentment. . .
It is difficult to say. . . because the same side that has these intense feelings also doesn't want them to be bad/wrong. If only on the fact that I feel bad, guilt and ashamed at the notion of someone knowing these thoughts. . . I difficultly say yes, most definitely. That doesn't change my nature of thinking them or my desire for them not to be wrong.
Secondly, not because of importance but because of it not being natural instinct, as someone who lives and believes that the Bible is true, I have to see it as wrong. It is not our place to condemn; we are supposed to love difficult as it may be, for me especially. We are not supposed to covet or be jealous of others but content with what God has given us: as much or as little as that may be. God is in control and has put you where you are, whether you will be there forever or just for a time we are supposed to be content.
I state it like it is so simple. "Just be content." It is like when you struggle with desiring control and thus tend towards stress, like I do, and people tell you to "trust God". Yes, by all means that is the answer. My desire for control and freaking out because I don't have it is a result of me thinking my actions/my ways are bigger or better than God's, no doubt, but to tell someone to "trust God" is like saying "get thin", it may be the answer but it doesn't really help you on the way of getting there.
How then do we "just be content"? I don't know. Not in a day to day actually maintaining contentment. For me, I struggle everyday I have to search the bible constantly having the learn the same lessons over again. I find that looking at and memorizing bible verses helps, as cliche as it may seem, in those moments of irritation at your business not doing well, a job loss, a child's disobedience, or any number of things we can think on the verses, or even the one verse, you know and help you set your mind and attitude towards God instead of self.
Right now I have found I have an attitude problem. Not so much an angry at the world but not looking and being thankful for my surroundings. So a friend and I are doing Philippians 4:8. It's a very common verse, many have it already in their minds. I'm not the best at trying to memorize things, for whatever reason especially the Bible. Like in Matthew 6:26-28, though often focused on anxiety it is also great for contentment. It reminds you of how God, in how he created things, provides for nature. . . as silly as it may seem he designed nature so intricately as to provide for all needs. What makes us think he doesn't have a handle on ours? Because we know best. . . or I think I do most of the time. It irritates me that I learn the same lessons over and again . . . but that leads me to another lesson: anger/contentment. . .
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Ease of chaos
With the coming rain and the call of birds over head she ponders "has the beach come to me?" Let it just swallow me up, take me away in the peace of its chaos. Take me to a world beyond. A world where fantasy and hidden dreams prance around with ease. Take me...
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Summer Standstill
Hot even as the wind blows she sits unable,
Hot tears roll down.
Her hands rest at ten and two,
Windows down the smell of asphalt and the coming rain brush against her face.
Hands move towards the keys only to hesitate,
Coil back to her lap as if stung.
Held frozen she sits,
Body still and mind racing, unable to go home.
Hot tears roll down.
Her hands rest at ten and two,
Windows down the smell of asphalt and the coming rain brush against her face.
Hands move towards the keys only to hesitate,
Coil back to her lap as if stung.
Held frozen she sits,
Body still and mind racing, unable to go home.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
OCD doesn't win in the end?
I sit anticipating what will happen next
Playing out all the scenarios
Thinking hard enough. . . it will work?
Planing down to the movements, it can't go wrong
My hand with reach out at this moment
Looking on for assurance
The moment has come
The moment had gone
Left alone waiting
wondering. . .
How could it have gone wrong?
Playing out all the scenarios
Thinking hard enough. . . it will work?
Planing down to the movements, it can't go wrong
My hand with reach out at this moment
Looking on for assurance
The moment has come
The moment had gone
Left alone waiting
wondering. . .
How could it have gone wrong?
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Nuggets of Gold
Today will lack the smooth roll of fiction piece as I normally write on these pleasant Saturday... nor is it on time (being that I normally write away in the morning) because this week I am sick...
I hate the ever present feeling of pressure and a desire to have blow my nose. It makes me think of all those really bad jokes I told as a child "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"...
Alas I am that fridge... but no matter the amount of tissue I use it still keeps coming. I wish I sneezed gold. How awesome would being sick be then.... Gettin' paid! So much better. Maybe I would be more ok with this sickness even now, just pretending that golden "treasures" to be found oh so often were nuggets of gold... nope, not even I am that good at imagining. And I am pretty awesome at it... and super humble too if you couldn't.
They say you can't catch a sickness over the interwebs but I am not convinced so I leave you now in hopes that you are not infected by this lingering yellow plague.
I hate the ever present feeling of pressure and a desire to have blow my nose. It makes me think of all those really bad jokes I told as a child "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"...
Alas I am that fridge... but no matter the amount of tissue I use it still keeps coming. I wish I sneezed gold. How awesome would being sick be then.... Gettin' paid! So much better. Maybe I would be more ok with this sickness even now, just pretending that golden "treasures" to be found oh so often were nuggets of gold... nope, not even I am that good at imagining. And I am pretty awesome at it... and super humble too if you couldn't.
They say you can't catch a sickness over the interwebs but I am not convinced so I leave you now in hopes that you are not infected by this lingering yellow plague.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Random Wednesday
Yet another random Wednesday here... and thus a random story. I cannot recall the idea that spawn whatever this might be called but please speculate as to the cause:
Silent as the dead of night, he crept. His dress robe wrapped tightly secured at his waist. Out of his room, down the hall, and out the window he went. To where at this time of night? To what or whom? With each maneuver down to the ground, one slip, one noise, and he would be found out. Feet landing scuffed but none the worse for ware, he was on his way. Skating across the lawn, he tried to quickly make it to tree cover.
Now in the tree-line, off came the dressing robe only to reveal that instead of his night clothes were riding pants, dress-shirt, and coat. Even as he pulled off his robe, his pace did not slow. He was on a mission. What mission? Who could know but he? Time and time again, as dark as night, he would almost lose his footing on a bulging root or a broken branch, but each time would steady himself just in time. No matter how dark the night, he would not be discouraged from the plan.
A clearing in the distance, is that the destination? His eyes were fierce and unrelenting as they searched. With each step, his pace became like a horse's canter. Neck long and craning left to right, he continues to scan. Stopping to hurl himself across a small pool, his footing wobbles but only for a moment, then back on his way. Branches are starting to thin, the sun is soon to rise, and the clearing is just up ahead.
One foot into the clearing, his whole body sighs when his eager eyes come across their match. To the right of the clearing, just outside of the tree-line, is a person in shroud. Gliding without thought, he makes his way over. As he arrives, she pulls the hood down to reveal her face only to pull her fingers to her mouth. With a loud shrill whistle, two horses emerge. No hugs, no kiss, but a knowing look and brush of hands before they mount. Riding toward the sunrise, they think only of the life ahead.
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