Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Accepting Mediocrity

Second weekend of the month... still going strong with NaNoWriMo.  I'm ahead of schedule and that's how I like it.  I can't believe Thanksgiving is almost here.  Do you have any special family plans/traditions?  My family traditions generally consist of lots and lots of food... more that just merely a gluttonous amount. This year I am in charge of pies.  I'm pretty excited because dessert is my favorite part.

Though the task of writing a novel seems overwhelming I would encourage you to try next year (and yes, if you don't do it with others then most the time you won't do it).  Though you need to know going into it: your novel will suck the first go round.  No matter how much you read or write other things: a first ever novelist in their first draft always sucks.  Just a matter of how badly it will suck.  It could be only a little or it could be like mine: totally horrible.  I'm not discouraged: only place is to go up from here!  (Look at the greats... or in the case the example that comes to mind is Jane Austen, her first novel wasn't great and took years of tweaking and she still never wanted to publish that.  Her family did just after her death if I recall properly.)  Well, I'll leave you with these short remarks so you may return to your fun Saturday afternoon activities.

Ps.  I promise I'll go back to the regular scheduled writing first thing December.  

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Open book, open notes

Unlike a lot of my posts... or pretty much all of my posts so far this post is going to be about me.  In an almost diary sense.  It is November and that means a lot of things, but what it means for this post?

I am doing NaNoWriMo.  For all you sane people who don't know what I am talking about it is National Novel Writing Month.  This means: it is an organization that links LOTS of people who take on the organizations challenge: Writing a 50,000 word essay in 30 days.  My husband and I are taking on the challenge this year.  Why?  Why would I do this to myself?  Because I love to write, not as much as I love being a wedding photographer but a deep love all the same.

Long ago I started a novel that I loved but never finished.  I hope to one day finish it but it will be difficult.  I am a completely different person now.  Lots of changes happened from the start of that book to now but the two most important is that I came to a realization.  I had been raised in church all my life and saw it for what I thought it was: a group of people who said one thing and acted a complete other way.  To be honest, that really can be the truth in "Church" as we know it.  Church isn't supposed to be a building or a business but it is often how it is treated.  Any way... I could go off on a long tangent there if I didn't stop myself.  But I came to a realization that though the way people acted wasn't something I wanted at all but I did want what they said to be true.  I wanted to believe that there was a God, that he cared.  That there was reason and rhyme to life. I wished that this ultimate love and care from this great being who took the time to create the world.

Long story short, I decided to see for myself.  I had, being raised by a pastor, had always "read" the bible but I decided then and there that I would study the bible.  I remember being told about a scripture that if you seek after God you'll find him (Deuteronomy 4:29, ie old testament: Jewish people promise), so I figured I'd seek and see if the bible was true.  Not sure if that verse was pulled out of context/ie doesn't mean what it sounds like when you just read the one verse or not but I found.  Or I guess more accurately God allowed me to see.

By the time that I understood, it wasn't a understanding the words... I am not sure how to state it really.  I am not a "feel-y" type of person, though it may seem that way with some of my writing, but it took a while to click.  I understood it all but I didn't really know how to accept it is I guess the best way to put it.

But point being because of my realization of a true and loving God and the fact that I got married I have changed a lot.  I mean we all change over time but I really changed.

Changed from a person who would be mortified to even be writing this in a diary that I litterally would have hid weight down in the back of a toilet tank to a person who is laying this all out for... everyone.

Because of this change, I am starting over.  A whole knew concept... and you don't get to know that, at least not yet. : D 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Nature but not natural


It is horrible to admit. . . or is it?  We all do and think things that make us ashamed, well, ashamed if any were to know them that is.  Some days I wonder if it is so bad if I think them when I find so many people who feel the same way or think similar thoughts.  Is it bad that I get upset when someone succeeds in an area of which I am a part?  Is it bad that I, despite the fact I like them as a person, wish them not to do well, so that I might do well?  That’s not even rational.  Who says if they do poorly that I will do well?  Yet I still have these feelings.  

It is difficult to say. . . because the same side that has these intense feelings also doesn't want them to be bad/wrong.  If only on the fact that I feel bad, guilt and ashamed at the notion of someone knowing these thoughts. . . I difficultly say yes, most definitely.  That doesn't change my nature of thinking them or my desire for them not to be wrong.

Secondly, not because of importance but because of it not being natural instinct, as someone who lives and believes that the Bible is true, I have to see it as wrong.  It is not our place to condemn; we are supposed to love difficult as it may be, for me especially.  We are not supposed to covet or be jealous of others but content with what God has given us: as much or as little as that may be.  God is in control and has put you where you are, whether you will be there forever or just for a time we are supposed to be content.  

I state it like it is so simple.  "Just be content."  It is like when you struggle with desiring control and thus tend towards stress, like I do, and people tell you to "trust God".  Yes, by all means that is the answer.  My desire for control and freaking out because I don't have it is a result of me thinking my actions/my ways are bigger or better than God's, no doubt, but to tell someone to "trust God" is like saying "get thin", it may be the answer but it doesn't really help you on the way of getting there.  

How then do we "just be content"?  I don't know.  Not in a day to day actually maintaining contentment.  For me, I struggle everyday I have to search the bible constantly having the learn the same lessons over again.  I find that looking at and memorizing bible verses helps, as cliche as it may seem, in those moments of irritation at your business not doing well, a job loss, a child's disobedience, or any number of things we can think on the verses, or even the one verse, you know and help you set your mind and attitude towards God instead of self.
Right now I have found I have an attitude problem.  Not so much an angry at the world but not looking and being thankful for my surroundings.  So a friend and I are doing Philippians 4:8.  It's a very common verse, many have it already in their minds.  I'm not the best at trying to memorize things, for whatever reason especially the Bible.  Like in Matthew 6:26-28, though often focused on anxiety it is also great for contentment.  It reminds you of how God, in how he created things, provides for nature. . . as silly as it may seem he designed nature so intricately as to provide for all needs.  What makes us think he doesn't have a handle on ours?  Because we know best. . . or I think I do most of the time.  It irritates me that I learn the same lessons over and again . . . but that leads me to another lesson: anger/contentment. . .

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Nuggets of Gold

Today will lack the smooth roll of fiction piece as I normally write on these pleasant Saturday... nor is it on time (being that I normally write away in the morning) because this week I am sick...

I hate the ever present feeling of pressure and a desire to have blow my nose.  It makes me think of all those really bad jokes I told as a child "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"...

Alas I am that fridge... but no matter the amount of tissue I use it still keeps coming.  I wish I sneezed gold.  How awesome would being sick be then.... Gettin' paid!  So much better.  Maybe I would be more ok with this sickness even now, just pretending that golden "treasures" to be found oh so often were nuggets of gold... nope, not even I am that good at imagining.  And I am pretty awesome at it... and super humble too if you couldn't.

They say you can't catch a sickness over the interwebs but I am not convinced so I leave you now in hopes that you are not infected by this lingering yellow plague.  

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Assignment two

You ready once again for an assignment visa-ve my old assignment via my sister-in-law?  Well, if you're not ready then you can just read what I have to say about the matter... or just my assignment, you  know... whatever

Assignment:  Take the person from assignment one and put them in a story (introduce a conflict, make it worse and then resolve it)  in 750 words.



The loud blare of the alarm signals the start of another day for Debra. Pushing herself onto her side, she slowing gets up, groggy and disoriented.  With a yawn and a stretch she gets to her feet, two steps and she is across the room.  Small with walls, remind her of the years in school she would rather forget.  Just like all the mornings before she can hear the muffled sounds of raised voices: a man, woman and an infants cry for attention.  As she pulls on her faded khakis she wonders at why she can’t seem to say no to food and hating that her legs are always too long for the pants she has.  Shirt on, hair in place she takes a step to the right where her kitchen lay, grabbing a piece of peanut butter toast she is out the door.  
Three minutes to spare as she makes her way out and down the stairs.  Looking down at her shirt as she pins on her metallic tag with name embossed across it she misses the last step falling down and tearing a  small whole right below the knee.  Back in to change and out again as fast as she can; she is now five minutes late.  In the car and ready to speed to make up the time, she is off down the road.  With each red light she breathes deeply wanting just to will the light to turn green.  Finally, it there is a light that is green.  She steps on the gas but nothing happens.  All at once it seems that the car shakes, screeches and thuds.  Pulled off on the side of the road, she rubs her hands across her face, willing herself to action.  Out and under the hood, the car hisses in time with Debra's huffs.  Hissing, what was it that she knew about hissing... nothing.  Pulling out her phone, she starts her way down the A's of her contact list.  Who can help?  Who is free?  She calls one and another.   She finds a co-worker who will trade shifts with her, giving her twenty minutes to get to work.  How to get there even in that time?  Down and down the list she goes.  In the driver's seat Debra forces a smile pondering what positives of this situation, she cracked, only enough to allow for one small tear.  Wiping  firmly away Debra shakes herself and plants a smile, willing herself not to cave.  Pulling out her phone again she continues down the list.  In M's she see the mechanic she used for her oil change a while back.  Calling him would help but cost.  Debra breaks down and calls her mechanic.  He said he can come but it would be a while but if she hid the keys on the car she didn't have to wait with the car.
She walks, the sun beating down on her she feels herself start sweating.  "Good thing I remembered deodorant", she shakes her head and laughs to herself.  With each step the snug fit of her shoes reminders her of every inch of her feet and how they long to be free.  Each car that passes, makes the walk seem all the more long and all the more slow than reality.  Debra snickers to herself as she envisions herself walking in slow motion.  Finding the bus line that will take her close to work she stops and sits down on the rickety, slowly rotting bench.  With each minute that passes Debra tries not to think of the conversation that lies ahead.  It being her second time being written up, at least the first time it wasn’t because she was late, she knows that her job will still be there but what if something like this happens again.  Giving herself a shake, trying to pull her self up she finds her pants pull snug.  Debra looks to see if a her pants have snagged.  No, no snag but a large wad of gum has smushed between her pants and the old bench.  With three hard pulls she is free and gum free, well almost, just as the bus pulls up.
With a sigh, she falls into her seat.  Amused by her own, all be it, chaotic adventure she thinks over the day and is amazed that she will make it to work at all that day.  It only adds to her humor that the bus is packed and she is sitting next to a mother confidently, naturally and ever so freely feeding her toddler.  Looking the other way and silently snickering to herself at the fact never did she think she would get to see a stranger's breast on the bus.  Finally as the bus makes it's way to her stop, her phone rings, the ID displays "mechanic".  Walking down the aisle and off the bus, Debra answers.  The mechanic tells her that it was just a belt and that the car needed some coolant, he continues to say that he would throw in the tow since it was only a few minutes from the shop.  The strangers stare as Debra yelps and kisses her phone repeatedly saying thank you.
Walking towards the building that has become, strange and dysfunctional as it may be, a second home to her, she laughs, having checked her watch, at the irony of making it in on time.  


Saturday, July 9, 2011

A random Wednesday


I have recently become unemployed.  I chose those words wisely because that is what I am at the moment.  I wasn't fired and I didn't quit... interesting quagmire that is me.  My husband likes to say that I am famous (within those who know me) for my "yes/no" answers.  NO, that doesn't me a give a definitive answer it means I can't seem to give either so definitely so I give both.  Such as life with me.

Thus said, I have some time on my hands and I started writing again and for no particular reason or rhyme I wrote this: 


She waits, sitting at the end of the dock.  Small ribbon twiddling between her fingers as she waddles from post to post, wondering what lay beyond.  The cold water went all the way up her small legs as she kicked away imaginary foes.  Singing lyrics only she knows to a song no one knows, she waits.
She smiles, watching the birds overhead.  Stories come to mind as to how they decided one day to just fly.  Standing up she pushes her arms out to the sides, lifting them up and then back down, again and again.  Eyes shut so only she can see what it looks like to fly; she smiles.
She runs, racing the fish below.  Cheeks in, lips open and shut as she speaks to the fish, telling him of his beauty.  On her stomach, she reaches to pet her new friend.  Up again looking for more adventures, she runs.
She laughs, watching the dog chase the cat up a tree.  Rubbing her eyes with a large yawn, she wanes.  Small ribbon twiddling between her fingers as she waddles from post to post wondering what lay beyond.  Arms wrapped around her as she snuggles in the crook of a warm neck; she laughs.